Take that, Stemm!

The HHI nitwiteratti must have summoned the shock troops for a mass-action email campaign, as we’ve received tons of recent email all asking pretty much the same question over and over: How much are we being paid by Odyssey to run this site?

We’ve been perfectly clear about this from the beginning, and we’ve reiterated several times, that we don’t receive anything from Odyssey. Nor do we take direction or guidance on our content or topics. Frankly, we think they may have slightly more important things to do than try to saddle up a bunch of juvenile smart asses to do their bidding in the niche public arena known as the "blogosphere." We know, call us crazy realistic (unlike some people, right?).

Of course, we’re not surprised HHI would perpetuate this idea, as they do almost every day on their website (it’s a particularly popular theory of Sir Solomon the Angry Twit™). After all, they see an evil angle or rabid conspiracy behind anything even remotely beneficial to Odyssey, and stop the presses if anyone tries to defend the company from the never-ending HHI onslaught.

So we huddled and decided there was a sure-fire way to prove we’re not beholden to Odyssey: To attack CEO Greg Stemm. After all, according to the HHI poseurs, Stemm is the Devil himself. Evil incarnate. We figured if we displayed our bravery in insulting the dark knight personally, to brazenly mock the malignant forces allied behind OMEX, then we'd surely be able to convince skeptics of our independence.

So, at the risk of falling prey to the malevolent dark arts ourselves, here is why we don't like Greg Stemm:

He has a beard. A big one. We don’t like facial hair on men. And besides, beards are so ‘70s, an era that brought us disco and appallingly bad pornography.

He smiles too much. Why does he appear so happy all the time? He acts like he actually loves his life and work. But shouldn't he be more serious and pedantic? Perhaps wear a perpetual scowl like Solomon and Doc, and be as bitter, angry and hateful to everyone and everything? Trust us: something’s going on behind that smile and it's probably not cavities.

We don’t like the name “Stemm.” Why the extra “m”? Is “Stem” not good enough? Why not go all the way, Mister Fancy Pants, and just change your name to “Gregg”? We find this terribly inconvenient when typing.

He’s too skinny. Ask yourself: why isn't he fat like the rest of us Americans? We find this to be highly suspect. In fact, next time we see him, we're going to thrust a Big Mac in his face just to see what happens (maybe his black heart will explode?).

He drinks Green Tea. Lots of it. And that’s all we have to say about that.

There you have it. How much clearer can we be? We don’t like hairy, affable, anti-oxidant beverage swilling, skinny shipwreck explorers with extravagantly spelled last names. Especially one that's out finding underwater treasures; or, put another way, who's living the secret dream of every fat, middle-aged, bored male on this planet.

What more proof do you people need of our total and absolute independence now? So hey, HHI guys, can you please let up on the email? Pretty please? We’re trying to get some work done here.

** No Odyssey employees were consulted or maimed in the writing of this post.